This week we are going to tackle the most precarious situation in the world. This baby can be a top 5 night of the year or it can ruin your life. I’m talking either a perfect game or a 10-run, two inning outing… there is no in between. What am I talking about you ask? Well it’s the work happy hour of course. Follow my easy user guide and you will be getting domed up from Katie in HR quicker than you can say $2 domestic drafts.
Rule 1) Don’t show up late. Work happy hour is NOT the time to make a fashionable entrance. In fact, you really wanna show up ten minutes early. You know who shows up late to a work happy hour? The guy who stayed late to “finish up a few things”. You know who likes that loser? Fucking nobody. Grab the cool kids in the office and dip out early. Happy Hour starts at 5:00? You need a drink in your hand at 5:01, we don’t have time to waste.
Rule 2) Have subsequent plans. This is key for a number of reasons. The first of which being you don’t wanna be stuck with the work losers all night. Some fat 40 yr old got a babysitter and now you have to wingman him all night so he can relive his college years? No thanks bro. The second discounted drinks are finished you go meet up with your real friends. Subsequent plans also give you somewhere to go with that cutie you’ve been working since the Christmas party. More on her later…
Rule 3) Stick to the happy hour menu and always open your own tab. You do NOT want to be stuck splitting the check with that hipster asshole who only drinks craft beers. Same goes for the bougie broad ordering Grey Goose martinis. If I drink well whiskey and 17 Coors Light drafts, that’s what I’m paying for.
Rule 4) Seize the moment with the office hottie. This is not the night to play it cool. You need to strike while the iron is hot and this shit is scorching right now. All the lunchtime flirting and subtle water cooler touching has led you to this moment. Now I’m not saying go down on her in front of your entire office or anything. I’m saying you need to hone in on her early and often. Flirt heavily. This ain’t a marathon people we have two hours to get this done. Get her feeling comfortable (see: drunk) enough to go with you somewhere else later that night. Once you’ve relocated it’s time to get weird.
Rule 5) Visine and an egg sandwich the next morning. If someone has to tell you this I actually don’t think we want you reading our blog. These are the fundamentals kids. The things you go over the first day in training camp. The morning after you need grease in your stomach and over-the-counter lubrication in your eyes. “Oh hey how late did you end up staying out last night?” “Oh hey boss, nothin too crazy as you can tell by my crystal clear eyes and totally satisfied belly.” Never has to know you’re still hammered and banged out his assistant at your apartment 45 minutes ago. Bingo bango.