Facebook is old news kids. With instagram (straight flexin) and other apps that focus on importnt things like hot girls and pictures of your lunch, I figured I would dole out a little advice on the mother of them all… Tinder. If you haven’t downloaded this bad boy yet, do it now. This game changin app combines hot chicks, pictures, and hooking up. It streamlines social media and cuts to the chase: casual sex. But ladies, some of you are doin it all wrong. Here is a little advice from your Uncle Breezy to help you getcha match game on point.
Rule #1) Main pic needs to be hot and show your face. I could care less that you went bungy jumping one time. If your main pic doesnt show what you look like im gonna assume you’re gross. Will get you the big red X 100% of the time.
Rule #2) Don’t be in a group pic with chicks that are hotter than you. If you’re a pasty white chick with short hair don’t make your picture the one with your two tannest asian dime friends. The girls in the pic need to be at least 2 points less hot than you (if you’re a 7 you better not have any 8s in there dominating your shit, 5s and lower baby).
Rule #3) Don’t be 17. Mark Sanchez bangs 17 yr olds, its for the birds. Also I think it’s illegal? Tinder is for grownups. Only mature adults are trying to hook up with complete strangers they meet via an app on their phone. Grow up.
Rule #4) If you’re fat don’t post a body shot. This one boggles my mind. Oh nice face, nice face, BAM terrible bikini shot. All close ups big girls. No one is forcing you to post that pic of you getting embarassed at a Vegas pool party. Common sense really.
Rule #5) Slutty pics are extra points. That pic of you grabbing your friends boob? Like City. You need some pizzaz to set you apart from these other lames, and by pizzaz I mean something that infers you’re sexin’ up after 2 dates max.
So there it is girls. Follow these 5 easy rules and you’ll be meeting for happy hour drinks with horny post college ex-frat dudes in no time.
– Uncle Breezy